Mass Effect: Reflections
by jediknight120
Summary: Commander Shepard struggles to reconcile his feelings for Miranda with a traumatic event from his past.
1. Chapter 1

"I understand that you and Commander Shepard are becoming quite… how should I say it… close."

Miranda was taken aback. She wasn't surprised that he knew, but surprised that he would mention it. "I can assure you that any relationship the Commander and I may or may not have will not affect my duties" she said.

The Illusive Man held up his hand to stop her protest. "I'm not accusing you of anything, Miranda. You're my best operative. I trust that you'll do whatever is necessary to complete your assignment. I've always trusted that you wouldn't let personal matters interfere with our operations. However, given your relationship with Shepard, I need to make it clear that he must _not_ be made aware of our involvement in Project Hephaestus under any circumstances."

Miranda's thoughts turned to the last time she had kept a secret from someone close to her. Niket had paid for her decision with his life. "Sir, Shepard is quite resourceful. Given his access to Cerberus databases it's possible that he may discover the information on his own. It may be better for him to hear it from Cerberus directly."

He idly tapped his cigarette on his ashtray. "I've taken the necessary precautions to prevent that from happening. Do you believe that telling Shepard would be in the best interests of the mission? Or are you developing a conscience on me?"

Miranda gave no answer.

"Operative Lawson, I'm sure I don't need to remind you of all that Cerberus has done for you. Of all that we've done for your sister."

Miranda's eyes narrowed. "You leave Oriana out of – "

"You know that I would never harm your sister in any way. Like you, she's an example of the best that humanity has to offer. I'm merely saying that it would be… unfortunate if certain individuals were to learn her location. Especially after all you and Shepard did to ensure her safety."

He paused to take a long drag on his cigarette.

"Miranda, you believe in Cerberus. You believe in what we're doing. You know that we can't risk any complications that could threaten the mission. And you know as well as I do that if Shepard knew the truth of Cerberus' involvement – _your_ involvement – in the research on Akuze, it would threaten the mission."

He extinguished his cigarette. "The fate of every human being in the galaxy rests on Shepard. He cannot be compromised in any way. Do you understand?"

"Perfectly."

"I knew that you would. That will be all." He pressed a button and his office faded from view, replaced by the briefing room of the _Normandy_.

Miranda tried to collect her thoughts. The Illusive Man was right – she did believe in Cerberus. They'd taken her in when she was on the run from her father, even though it meant losing his substantial financial backing. They'd given her sister the normal life that Miranda never had. They were the only ones willing to make hard choices for the good of humanity. While the Alliance was mired in politics and bureaucracy, and the Council was unconcerned with "purely human issues," Cerberus was taking action.

Still, doubts had begun to creep in. There had been missions she'd found distasteful in the past, but she'd always been able to separate her personal feelings from her duties… until Project Lazarus. She'd dedicated two years of her life to bringing Shepard back from the dead, and she couldn't help but take an interest in him. After seeing him in action she was even more intrigued, but still tried to keep their relationship strictly professional.

It was when he helped rescue Oriana from Eclipse mercenaries that he'd finally won her over. She'd found herself trusting him in spite of herself, and without him she never would have been able to save her sister. She considered him a friend now – her only friend, with Niket gone – and lately she'd caught herself hoping they could be more. Ever since they'd kissed…

_Don't be stupid, Miranda_.

As she exited the room, Shepard was waiting for her. Her pulse quickened. _Did he hear any of that?_

A part of her wished that he had. It was clear from the wry smile on his face that he hadn't. _That damn smile,_ she thought.

"Going behind my back to the Illusive Man, Ms. Lawson?" he asked.

"Not at all, Shepard. He wanted to… give me an update on my sister's relocation. He's always taken a personal interest in Oriana's well-being." _At least it was a half truth_, she thought. It was a small comfort, considering that she had just lied to the only man she'd ever cared for. "I wouldn't –"

"I thought you'd be able to tell when I was teasing by now" he said with a laugh. Miranda stammered for a moment, and her face began to turn a faint shade of red.

"I haven't seen you flustered before" he chuckled. "I didn't think it was possible."

She regained her composure, although his flirting made her smile in spite of herself. "This isn't the time, Shepard. We have to get Grunt down to the surface before he tears the cargo hold apart. I'll meet you in the shuttle bay." She turned and walked away down the corridor.

"And I _told_ you to stop smiling, dammit!"

As she left, Shepard thought back to their first meeting. He'd woken up on the Project Lazarus operating table and been conscious for a few moments before the sedative kicked in. He remembered his confusion, wondering if he was alive or dead. He remembered the searing pain from wounds that hadn't yet healed, which told him he was very much alive. He remembered a brief glimpse of her face before he passed out, and how he'd been utterly amazed by her beauty.

A voice behind him interrupted his memories. "Shepard. Grunt's condition deteriorating. Becoming more violent. Not enough sedative in med bay. Need to get down to Tuchanka as quickly as possible."

"I'll be right there, Mordin." He headed for the armory to gear up, still smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

The elevator ride to deck 1 seemed to take an eternity. Miranda leaned against the wall and covered her face with her hand. She'd been preparing for this moment, but now that it was here, her resolve was weakening.

The week since the attack on the Collector base had been a blur of activity. The _Normandy_ had barely held together during the jump back to the Omega 4 relay and was in need of serious repairs. They could forget about any help from the Council – the reinstatement of Shepard's Spectre status had already been more than they expected. They had contacted Councilman Anderson to try to smooth things over with the Alliance, but that would take time. Jacob had some contacts from his time as a Corsair who could help, but it would take a few more days to arrange everything. In the meantime, they were making what repairs they could and trying to keep a low profile.

And there was her sister to think about. Miranda's resignation from Cerberus had no doubt put her in danger. Her stepmother had just taken a high-profile position at a prestigious university, so the Illusive Man probably wouldn't risk going after Oriana – yet. Shepard had called in a favor with Admiral Hackett and had an Alliance special ops team sent to keep an eye on her, but it was only a matter of time before Cerberus made a move – or worse, gave Oriana's identity to her father.

Finally, the elevator doors slid open. For a moment, she hesitated. None of her past assignments had been as difficult as what she was about to do. _I have to do this,_ she thought. _He'll find out either way… and he deserves to hear it from me. I owe him that much. _Miranda summoned her courage and knocked on the door of the captain's cabin.

"It's open" called a voice from inside.

"Commander, do you have a minute?" she asked as she stepped through the doorway.

Shepard looked up from his desk. "You're _still_ calling me Commander? Even in private?" he said with a grin.

She tried to hide her smile, but failed. "You ass."

He put down the datapad he'd been examining for the better part of an hour and stood as she approached. The scans of the Collector base could wait. He reached out and took Miranda's hands in his.

"I never properly thanked you for saving me… on the platform. I thought I was dead" she said quietly. She cringed, remembering the fear she felt as she slid down towards the abyss.

Shepard pulled her into an embrace and held her tightly. "You don't need to thank me. There's no way I was going to lose you."

He continued to hold her close. Miranda closed her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to stay there in his arms, but she knew that she couldn't… not today. She gently pulled away and placed her hands on his chest. "There's something I need to tell you… something important. I want this to work… and that means I can't keep secrets from you."

She took a seat on the couch, and Shepard sat next to her. _I've never seen her look this vulnerable, _he thought. He could see the pain in her eyes, and he would have done anything to take it away. He gently squeezed her hand, trying to reassure her.

"You can tell me anything, Miranda. You know that."

A tear ran down her cheek. "The massacre on Akuze… Cerberus was responsible for that. They were conducting research on the thresher maws." Not knowing how to continue, she waited for his reaction.

Shepard's grip on her hand tightened. For a long moment, he said nothing.

"I suspected as much" he said at last. Seeing the surprise on her face, he continued. "Two years ago, I ran into a member of my old squad, Corporal Toombs, on Ontarom. He said that Cerberus was behind the ambush, and he had proof. He told me they'd held him prisoner… tortured him… conducted experiments on him. He… I had to kill him before I could learn more. He had a man at gunpoint and I couldn't talk him down." He paused, trying to control his emotions. "He was my friend, but he was… so far gone I didn't know if he was telling the truth."

Miranda had been completely unprepared for this revelation. She was unable to fight back her tears any longer.

"I was there, Shepard. I was part of the Cerberus observation team. I didn't know they planned to lure Alliance soldiers into a trap. I wanted to warn them… warn you… but our orders were to let your team land. They targeted you personally. _He_ targeted you."

Shepard sat in stunned silence, unable to move, his face frozen in shock. Miranda was almost sobbing now. "They ordered us to leave you. I tried to protest when they picked up Toombs, but they wouldn't listen. I could have stopped it… I should have stopped it. My loyalty to Cerberus blinded me."

She futilely searched for something to make it right… something to take away the hurt etched into his face. "I'm sorry" was all she could manage.

A part of Shepard refused to believe what he had just heard… that the woman he loved was involved in the most horrific experience of his life. A thousand thoughts raced through his head, but he could barely make sense of them. He heard the panicked screams of his men… he saw Toombs' face as he pulled the trigger to end his friend's life… he remember the agony of watching his entire platoon die.

He let go of her hand and stood. He tried to find something to say… but the memories he'd buried were flooding to the surface. If he spoke, it would be in anger. He turned to leave.

"Shepard, wait" Miranda pleaded with him, but he exited the room without a word.

She buried her face in her hands and, for the first time since she ran from her father, cried uncontrollably.


	3. Chapter 3

"Alan, you're better than this. Better than them. You're not a murderer. Don't throw your life away."

"You don't understand, Shepard. I died that day. I've been a dead man for six years. The only thing I care about now is making sure these bastards get theirs."

"Corporal Toombs, _stand down!_ That's an order, mister!"

"I'm sorry, Commander."

Gunshots echoed through the room.

Shepard woke with a start. The alarm on his chronometer was buzzing. He reached over and shut it off. Instinctively, he turned to give Miranda a kiss, but the other side of the bed was empty, as it had been for days. He sighed. When she was with him, the dreams were quieter. Slowly, he dressed and headed for the mess hall. There was work to be done.

Jacob's contacts had come through with materials to repair the _Normandy_, and Tali had pulled some strings with the Migrant Fleet to get a team of Quarian engineers sent to assist. Admiral Shala'Raan had been eager to help – she said it was the least she could do for the captain who had saved Tali from exile. Shepard was impressed by the Quarians' work– he could scarcely tell where the damage had been when they finished a repair. Donnelly had refused to let them anywhere near "his" drive core, though. It was probably for the best that the Quarians didn't understand most of the words he used.

When he arrived at the mess, Miranda was there talking with Mordin and Dr. Chakwas. Their eyes met. Shepard badly wanted to speak with her… to tell her he forgave her… that he still cared for her. Instead, he looked away and continued down the hallway to the main battery, cursing himself for his cowardice.

Garrus was there, working on the weapon control console. It was half disassembled, and computer components were strewn about on the floor. Hearing the door open, he turned to face Shepard.

"Commander. Need me for something?"

"Just wanted to see how things are going down here" Shepard lied.

"Slowly. It's these damn Thanix cannons. They're fickle enough when your ship _hasn't_ been blasted half apart." He stood up and put down his tools. "There's a reason they aren't certified for general use. If you don't keep the electromagnetic field generator perfectly calibrated, you'll have a containment failure on your hands. But that look on your face tells me you didn't come down here to ask about my guns."

"Your biceps _are_ very impressive, Garrus" Shepard replied.

Garrus shook his head. "I misused another human metaphor, didn't I. Dammit." He flipped a switch to close the door to the battery. "What's wrong, Shepard?"

"I'm fine" he started to protest, but Garrus cut him off.

"No Shepard, you're not fine" he said in an exasperated tone. "I don't know much about humans, but I know _you_. You look _terrible_." He paused, running his hand over the scars on his face. "Worse than I do."

His comment elicited a small smile from Shepard. "Haven't seen you do that in a while" Garrus remarked. "Whatever's bothering you must be serious."

Shepard didn't answer. "It's Miranda, isn't it" Garrus said. "You two have been avoiding each other for days."

Shepard still gave no reply.

"What's going on?"

_He's not going to let this go, _Shepard thought. "She told me Akuze was a Cerberus op."

"You already suspected that, Shepard. There must be more –"

"She was there, Garrus. She was part of the Cerberus team."

Garrus' mouth flaps twitched in an expression of surprise. Shepard's thoughts ran together, and they came out in a jumbled mess.

"I care about her, Garrus… more than anything. I _love_ her. But Akuze… I've been trying to escape it for eight years. My men died on that damn planet. Good men. And for what? Every time a soldier dies under my command… every time I can't save someone… I can't get it out of my head. I had to kill my friend because of what Cerberus did to him. It's not that I can't forgive her, or that I care for her any less. I just don't know how I can live with a constant reminder of that day… thinking of my men every time I see her face."

Garrus was silent for a minute before responding. "I lost a team too. Not the way you did, of course, but it ate away at me just the same. I blamed myself for their deaths. I saw their faces every night. I felt like I betrayed them. It was a hard feeling to live with, until someone showed me that I didn't have to live in the past. That I could honor their memory without being consumed by guilt and anger. That I could let go of what happened."

His voice lowered. "I don't think I'll ever truly forget the pain, but thanks to you I've been able to move on. You give good advice, Shepard. You should think about following it. Human relationships aren't really my thing, so I don't know if I can help you there, but don't let the memories keep you from someone you care about. You don't have to let the past define who you are now."

He chuckled. "Damn, that sounds strange coming from me."

Shepard nodded. "I'll try, Garrus. No promises… but I'll try."

"That's all any of us can do, Commander."

As Shepard exited the battery, he saw that Miranda was gone. _Probably locked herself in her office again, _he thought. He felt a twinge of guilt knowing that this had to be as hard on her as it was on him.

Mess Sergeant Gardiner interrupted his thoughts. "You gotta try these, Commander. Real Belgian Waffles. 'Fraid you'll have to make do with artificial syrup, though. I'm a damn good cook, but I'm not a miracle worker!"

Shepard grabbed a plate and sat down at the table. The hall was empty now, save for him and Gardiner. That suited him just fine. He had a lot to think about.


	4. Chapter 4

Miranda sat at her desk and tried to concentrate. She stared at her terminal for what seemed like an eternity before she realized it wasn't powered on. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing was going to be accomplished this morning. She hadn't even bothered to put on her makeup. She stood and walked over to the window, staring out into space.

She knew that her confession would hurt Shepard, and she'd fully expected that he would need some time… but she hadn't been prepared to hear about Corporal Toombs. Clearly she had underestimated how deeply he had been affected by the experience. She'd read the official reports on Akuze from Cerberus and the Alliance, of course, and he'd mentioned it in passing once or twice, but she'd never pushed him to talk about it. It had been hard enough to watch the attack, and she couldn't imagine what it had been like to experience it.

_I could have stopped it_ was all she could think. Anger began to overtake her… anger at Cerberus… anger at herself. Without thinking, she reached out biotically and threw a chair across the room. It hit the bulkhead with such force that it shattered.

Surprised by her sudden loss of control, she collapsed on her bed. She was terrified that he hated her. _How could he not,_ she wondered. _He had to gun down a friend because of me._

She felt the tears welling up again. She'd given up trying to control them… now she was only trying to limit who saw them. Garrus had noticed the day before, and had tried to get her to talk, but she brushed him off… just as she had brushed everyone off for nearly twenty years.

For the first time, she began to regret her decision to isolate herself when she left her father. She had no idea how to cope with emotional entanglements. Shepard had friends to lean on… Garrus, Tali, even Joker.

Miranda was alone.

* * * *

"Alpha leader, this is Delta leader, do you copy?"

"I copy Delta leader, report."

"Lieutenant, the camp's deserted. No traces of whoever was out here. We're going to check the nearby –"

Static hissed on the channel… then it went silent.

"Delta leader, you're breaking up. Say again."

"Delta leader, come in."

"Corporal Toombs, please respond."

Shepard sat straight up in bed, drenched in sweat, gasping for air. He blinked, and realized it had been a dream. Not just any dream… _the _dream… the one that had haunted him for nearly a decade. This time, it had been more vivid than usual… _much_ more vivid.

He glanced at the chronometer. It read 0213. He sighed and got out of bed. There would be no more sleep tonight. He left his cabin and headed for port observation on deck 3. The ship was quiet. It was partially due to the late hour, and partially because some of his team had gone their own way.

Samara had left for Omega, where there was more than enough injustice to fight to last even an Asari's lifetime. She'd promised to return when the time came to fight the Reapers. Grunt had gone to Tuchanka in search of glorious battle against the enemies of Clan Urdnot. _And maybe to follow up on the dozens of mating requests for the first Krogan in a generation to kill a thresher maw,_ Shepard thought. Zaeed was back on the trail of Vido Santiago. He and Shepard had resolved their differences over the mission on Zorya – where Shepard had let Vido escape to save the refinery workers – but his need for revenge would not be satisfied with anything other than bloodshed.

Others were absent because he failed them. Jack and Thane had been killed in the assault on the Collector base… Jack when she engaged two Scions at point blank range to save the second fire team, Thane when he went toe-to-toe with Harbinger while holding the last set of doors.

Finally, he arrived at the observation deck. He locked the door behind him.

* * * *

An explosion erupted from the face of the human reaper, splitting its head nearly in half. The giant machine fell forward onto the platform Miranda was standing on, knocking her off her feet. The platform swayed as the reaper fell into the abyss, and she found herself sliding down after it.

Without hesitation, Shepard leapt towards her and slid down the incline at full speed, hand outstretched. She clawed at the platform, trying to slow herself, but couldn't find a grip. After what seemed like an eternity, he caught up to her. She reached out and grabbed his hand.

Suddenly, his grip loosened. She looked up, and Shepard had vanished. She slid off the edge of the platform and fell down the seemingly bottomless shaft towards the core of the Collector base.

Miranda awoke with a start. She'd been dreaming. She sat on the edge of her bed, her face in her hands. She was exhausted, but sleep was the last thing on her mind now. Seeing the only man she'd ever loved in so much pain was hard enough. Knowing that it was her fault was almost unbearable. She walked to her desk and sat down, trying to collect herself.

"Ms. Lawson, are you feeling well?" asked a familiar voice.

"I'm fine, EDI." She'd gotten used to the AI's constant presence – especially since she had the codes to temporarily deactivate EDI's sensors in any part of the ship.

"You don't look well."

"_Drop it, _EDI_. Now._" Miranda snapped. "I won't be lectured by a damn AI."

"Very well, Ms. Lawson." The AI paused. "Commander Shepard is also unable to sleep. He is currently in portside observation on deck 3."

"What do you care?" Miranda asked angrily.

"I thought you should know. Goodnight, Ms. Lawson."

* * * *

As he stared into space, Shepard tried to make sense of his thoughts. Every failure brought back the memories. He had failed his men when they were wiped out on Akuze. He had failed Chief Williams on Virmire when he failed to fight off Saren in time to rescue her. He had failed his crew when the original Normandy was destroyed.

_Just like I failed Jack and Thane,_ he thought. _If I'd been better… been faster… they would still be here_. _My men would still be here… Williams would still be here._

As deep as the wounds from Akuze were, they had started to heal. The dreams had become less frequent, and less intense. He knew why.

Miranda.

Which made her confession nearly impossible to comprehend. In the years since Akuze, he'd never allowed himself to become truly close to anyone. He'd kept even his most trusted friends, Alenko and Garrus, at arm's length. Even Liara, who he'd allowed himself to care for, never knew the extent of his pain.

Try as he might to distract himself, his thoughts kept returning to Miranda. They hadn't spoken in a week, outside of the minimum required for their duties. Every time their paths crossed, he could see the sorrow in her eyes. He wanted to hold her… to tell her he loved her… but her face still brought the memories of Akuze to the surface. He was trying to heed Garrus' advice, but…

A knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts. He knew who it was before EDI told him.

"Commander, Ms. Lawson wishes to speak with you."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "EDI… did you tell her I was awake?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Commander. I am simply relaying a message."

The faintest hint of a smile crept onto his face, but quickly left. "Let her in."


	5. Chapter 5

"Shepard, we need to talk. We can't go on like this."

_Just like Miranda, _he thought. _Straight to the point._ He didn't respond.

_Say something to her, you idiot. Stop hurting her._

"Shepard, please." Her voice was breaking. "I care about you… I can't stand to see you like this. I want to help you. I need to make it right... but I can't do that if you won't let me in."

He still said nothing. _You're taking the coward's way out, Shepard. Like you always do._

"I need to know what you're thinking." Miranda said. Anger started to creep into her voice. "If you hate me then just say so, dammit!" _What the hell is his problem? Why won't he talk?_

"Shepard, say _something_" she pleaded_. "_Anything."

The hurt in her voice finally overcame his determination to shut her out. He realized he hadn't protected himself by burying the memories of Akuze – he'd prolonged the agony. He'd lost so much by isolating himself... and the scars were still there.

"Miranda," he said softly, almost in a whisper, as he turned to face her. Her eyes were red and her face was stained with tears, which made it hard for him to fight back his own. Somehow, he found his voice.

"What you told me didn't make me care for you any less. I don't blame you for what happened… and I could never hate you. I just… I didn't know how to deal with a constant reminder of Akuze. I've spent the years since that day hiding from the memories, the guilt… I couldn't deal with it. I never _tried_ to deal with it. I ignored it. I see now what a terrible choice that was."

He brushed several strands of her hair away from her face. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "It caused me to shut people out – to never let anyone close."

Slowly, he took her hands in his. "I'm not losing you now." He hesitated. _To hell with caution._ He gently lifted her chin until her eyes met his, and put his arms around her.

"I love you, Miranda Lawson."

No one had ever spoken those words to her before. Not knowing what to say, she responded the only way she could think of… she put her hands behind his head and kissed him as she never had before. He had broken down her last defenses. Her ability to hide any part of herself from him was gone. She was vulnerable… but she didn't care. She had to say what she had been afraid to tell him… what she had felt for a long time, but had been afraid to admit.

"I love you, Shepard."

He smiled and kissed her again. For a long time they stood there, not wanting to move… not wanting the moment to end.

Finally, Shepard broke the silence. "I guess it's only fair that I not keep anything from you either."

"You can tell me anything, Shepard. You know that."

_Am I really going to do this?_ he thought. _I have to. If we're going to be together, I have to tell her._

"I need to tell you about Akuze… what I went through… what I felt. I've never shared those feelings with anyone. But I need to tell you… I want to tell you. I can't carry the burden alone anymore."

She brought her face to his, her arms around his neck. "I want to help you carry it." It would be hard hearing what he went through – especially since she would always blame herself for his suffering – but she would do anything for the man she loved.

Shepard sat on the couch. Miranda sat on his lap and leaned against him, her head on his chest. He held her close. As painful as it was going to be to relive the memories again, this time would be different.

He wouldn't be facing them alone.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hold tight everyone" said the voice on the intercom. "Lowering kinetic barriers and preparing for re-entry. ETA to landing zone 20 minutes."

Lieutenant Shepard felt queasy, and it wasn't because of the turbulence as the _SSV Midway_ entered the atmosphere above Akuze. This was his first mission in command of an entire platoon, and expectations were high… both his superiors' and his own.

_It wasn't even supposed to be a mission, _he thought. The _Midway_ had been dispatched to transfer his platoon to their permanent posting with the Sixth Fleet. After the attack on Elysium the previous year, the Alliance was diverting more manpower to protecting the frontier colonies, and the Sixth had been deployed to the Skyllian Verge to make the Batarians – or anyone else – think twice about trying anything.

Shepard remembered how proud his mother had been when he received his officer's commission. _I'll make you proud, Mom_ he silently promised. _Dad too… wherever he is_. He finished his final gear check, and looked over at the assembled Marines.

Some, like Chiefs Harrison and Nolan, were veterans of the Blitz. Others had experience as garrison troops, and had seen action driving off pirate and slaver attacks. Freeman and Chung had been part of the task group that responded to the attack on Mindoir years ago, and had made the Batarians pay dearly for their brutality. Many were green, fresh out of basic or only a few months into their first tour, like Singh and Nakamura. Serviceman Casey was particularly nervous, having checked his rifle's heat sink at least seven times in the past five minutes.

"You ready to go, Shepard?"

Shepard turned to face his friend. "That's _Lieutenant _to you, Corporal Toombs," he said with a laugh.

"Sir yes sir!" Toombs deadpanned. "Can't imagine why you're nervous sir. If you perform half as well as I heard you did in officer school we'll kick the asses of whatever's down there to Omega and back. Well, maybe just to Omega, because you'll owe me a drink in that fabulous club they have."

Shepard chuckled. "When did you become an optimist, Alan?"

"When I was assigned to your platoon, sir."

"Oh thanks, no pressure" Shepard said. "Time for the final briefing. Can you check on your squad? I think Casey's going to break his rifle if he removes that heat sink one more time."

"Yes sir!" Toombs replied. "Knock'em dead, sir. Preferably them and not us."

Shepard rolled his eyes in mock disgust. _Alan hasn't changed a bit,_ he thought. He took a deep breath and addressed his men.

"Alright, listen up. As you know, our outpost on Akuze went silent yesterday. Our orders are to go in and find out what happened. Our surveillance stations in the area have picked up no starship traffic over the past week, but there's an energy signature blocking our scans of the planet surface. We don't know what we're going to find down there."

"Our first priority is to assist any survivors. Our secondary objective is to assess the state of the outpost and determine what happened, if we can. The _London_ is en route, but they're two days away. Until they arrive, we're the only Alliance forces in the area. Stay sharp, watch your six, and let's get our people out of there."

* * * *

"Tell me about your men" Miranda said softly. A slight smile crept onto Shepard's face.

"Nolan was from Earth, New Reno I think. He'd signed up right out of high school… said he needed to turn his life around. He'd had a rough go of it at first. Nearly got himself court-martialed for insubordination, but he turned into a damn good squad leader… would have been up for Chief in another eight months. He surprised everyone, himself included – nobody thought he'd make it past Private 1st Class."

"Anthony was six months from getting out. He'd done a tour in colony garrisons and signed up for another so he could serve with the Fleet like his father. He had a girl back on Earth… kept talking about starting a family."

"Rogers was a real cutup. It seemed like he was always cracking a joke… lightening the mood when things got tense. Nobody knew him very well though… he kept to himself most of the time."

"Gonzales was a quiet kid… youngest of six. He didn't say much, but was always around when you needed someone to listen. From talking to him, you'd never guess he was master certified on just about every weapon we had. I heard he once put rounds between the eyes of three vorcha at 500 meters before they even heard the first gunshot."

"They were good men. All of them…" His voice trailed off. Miranda squeezed his hand tightly.

"Now someone else will remember them" she whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

The _Midway_ touched down just outside the science outpost, which consisted of about twenty gray prefabricated structures. Shepard led his men down the ramp and into the late afternoon sun. Except for the hum of the frigate's engines powering down, it was dead quiet. _Too quiet,_ he thought. He motioned for the marines to take up defensive positions around the outlying buildings. The only other movement was a slight rustling of the grass as a calm breeze moved past.

He surveyed the surrounding terrain. The outpost was situated at the northern end of a wide valley. Forested hills surrounded it on three sides. _Not a good defensive position_, he though. To the southwest, the valley led to wide open plains.

"Squad leaders, execute standard urban search. If you find something call it in, otherwise maintain radio silence."

Shepard and his team approached the nearest building - a standard Alliance prefab barracks. As they formed up outside the door, he could see that it was slightly ajar. An uneasy feeling began to overtake him. _What the hell happened here?_

"Breach in 3, 2, 1, _go!_"

They swept through the doorway and quickly made their way through the rooms. "Clear!" came the call each time. Every room was in perfect order… clothes folded, beds made, nothing out of place. Personal effects and datapads were neatly arranged. There were no signs of hurried departure. _It's as if they just vanished,_ he thought. A chill ran down his spine. Things were clearly not as they seemed.

As they cleared the next building, something in the last room caught Shepard's eye. It was a book. The only books he'd seen had been in museums back on Earth.

_What's something as rare as this doing out here?_

Shepard's curiosity got the better of him, and he picked up the book. It was a collection of Homer's epics. A page was bookmarked.

_But come now,change thy theme, and sing of the building of the horse of wood, which Epeius made with Athena's help, the horse which once Odysseus led up into the citadel as a thing of guile, when he had filled it with the men who sacked Ilion_

_A ghost town, and now this?_ he thought. _What the hell._

They moved on to the next building, and the next. Each was empty, with no trace of the occupants. Science equipment was undisturbed, computers untouched. _It's like they were getting ready for an inspection_. Shepard's concern turned to a feeling of dread. He knew something was horribly wrong. His men were also becoming uneasy. Saitou was jumping at the slightest noise. Beads of sweat were running down Hanson's Nelson, who'd survived the slaughter at Torfan, looked worried.

Suddenly, a burst of gunfire rang out. Instinctively, his squad dove for cover. "Report!" Shepard yelled into his comlink.

Toombs answered. "It's nothing, Lieutenant. Casey nearly blew away some local wildlife."

_Dammit,_ he cursed under his breath. _Gotta keep it together._

Finally, all four squads converged on the last building, on the far side of the outpost. Judging from the size, Shepard guessed it was the command center and computer core. He signaled for the other squads to cover the entrance while his men moved in. The control console indicated the door was locked.

"Giordano. Detpack."

The explosion nearly knocked the door off its hinges. Shepard lead his team through, and found that this building was empty like the rest. The faint hum of electronic equipment was the only sound. "Clear" he called. He went to examine the computer terminals. They were intact and functioning, but locked down.

"Toombs, send O'Brian in. I need him to hack some consoles."

"He's on his way, Lieutenant."

Shepard removed his helmet. His hands were shaking so badly that he nearly dropped it on the floor. He set it on a nearby table and tried to clear his mind.

* * * *

"No wonder you were able to keep your cool in the Collector base" Miranda said. "It must have been a walk in the park compared to this."

Shepard chuckled, and then his expression turned serious again. "I've never encountered anything like that. I don't even know how to describe it. I could almost _feel_ the fear pressing in on me."

He sighed. "As it turned out… that was nothing compared to what came next."


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard paced anxiously in the control center. _We've got to get off this rock,_ he thought. _This is a setup._ Still, he wasn't going anywhere until they were sure there were no survivors. The mission came first, and he wasn't going to risk leaving anyone behind just because he had a bad feeling.

"O'Brian, got anything yet?"

"It's gonna take a while, sir. This isn't standard Alliance encryption. I've never seen anything like it. I've got autohacks running, but it's gonna be at least a few hours. Maybe less if I can decipher some of these code sequences, but I can't promise anything."

The radio in Shepard's helmet crackled to life. "Alpha leader, this is _Midway_, come in."

"I read you, _Midway_."

"Lieutenant, we just picked up a very faint distress call. It appears to be originating from a location about 5 clicks to the southwest. The message itself is too garbled to make out, but it's on a standard Alliance emergency frequency."

"Roger that. Are you able to get any sensor readings yet?

"Negative, Lieutenant."

"Understood. Stand by." Shepard switched his comlink to another channel. "All squad leaders to the control center."

The four men gathered around a table on the far side of the room. They all felt uneasy – even Nolan, who looked like he was about to vomit in his helmet. _With everything he saw in the Blitz, THIS is getting to him?_ Shepard wondered. The sight of veteran Marines visibly shaken didn't help his own frayed nerves.

He collected himself and pulled a small holoprojector from his belt. He set it on the table and powered it on. It displayed an image of the outpost and surrounding terrain.

"The _Midway_ picked up a distress call coming from this location." He gestured to a site on the map. It was in the middle of the wide-open plains that dominated the area to the southwest. "Sensors are still useless, so we won't know what's there until we get a visual. I want Charlie and Delta squads to check it out. The _Midway_ will give you a ride out there – it's almost dusk and I don't want anyone out after dark. Alpha and Bravo squads will stay here and hope we get something useful out of the computers. We aren't leaving until we find survivors – or are reasonably sure there aren't any. I'm not going to chance leaving civilians out there."

He glanced at Harrison and Toombs. "Report in when you get there and keep in contact. Don't take any chances – if you don't find anything in an hour, regroup here." They nodded in acknowledgement. "Nolan, take your men and set up in the mess hall. It has the best view of the southern approach. My team will fortify the command center. Any questions?"

The squad leaders shook their heads. "Alright, move out."

As Harrison and Nolan left, Toombs stayed behind. "I have to say I'm disappointed, Lieutenant. I hoped we'd see some real action, not end up in the middle of a ghost story."

Shepard laughed, momentarily forgetting his concerns. "Be careful what you wish for, Corporal."

As his friend turned to leave, Shepard called after him. "Alan, be careful out there."

Toombs grinned. "Hey – it's me!"

Shepard sighed and climbed the stairs to the second level of the control center. Through the window, he watched as Charlie and Delta squads boarded the _Midway_. The feeling of dread he felt in the pit of his stomach seemed to increase with each passing minute.

_I have a bad feeling about this._

* * * *

"Your friend, Corporal Toombs… what was he like?" Miranda asked.

"He was a good friend," Shepard said softly. "And a good Marine. He washed out of officer school twice, but it wasn't for lack of effort. Alan had a… _unique_ personality. He'd grown up in the slums of Chicago… his childhood wasn't easy. He endured things no kid should have to go through. He coped by making light of everything. If you didn't know him, you'd think he never took anything seriously. The brass thought that was a bad trait for an officer. Best damn squad leader I ever served with, though."

Shepard's voice lowered until it was nearly a whisper. "We had a running joke about starting a flight school when we got out of the service. _That's_ a long story. I'll tell you sometime."

He fell silent for a long time.


	9. Chapter 9

"Alpha Leader, this is _Midway_. We've got a visual on a small encampment – about eight temporary shelters. We're going in for a closer look."

"Acknowledged, _Midway_. Watch yourselves out there."

Shepard returned to the computer terminals to check O'Brian's progress for the fifth time. After the third he'd stopped asking how it was going.

"Lieutenant, I'm finally getting something" O'Brian told him. "Not much, but I've deciphered parts of a couple files. They look like research notes. They were definitely conducting experiments on something here, but what I can't say. With encryption like this, it must have been top-secret… or maybe illegal."

"Let me see" Shepard said. He leaned over to examine the terminal screen. The notes were too fragmented to be of much help – they only increased his worry.

_Entry 76 – Subject Beta showing increased signs of __**[FILE CORRUPTED]**__. Results not expected this early in __**[FILE CORRUPTED] **__dosage cycle. Recommend close observation._

_Entry 82 – Subject Alpha no longer responding to __**[FILE CORRUPTED]**__. Attempts to __**[FILE CORRUPTED] **__have failed. Recommend immediate termination of Alpha._

_Entry 97 – Subject Beta __**[FILE CORRUPTED]**__. Losses deemed acceptable by __**[FILE CORRUPTED]**__._

_Entry 126 – Testing on __**[FILE CORRUPTED] **__approved._

"Keep at it, serviceman. See if you can get anything else."

O'Brian lost his cool. "What do you think I've been doing for the past hour, Lieutenant? Checking extranet dating sites?" As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized he'd snapped at a superior officer. "I'm sorry, sir. Something about this place is –"

"It's ok serviceman, we're all on edge" Shepard said. Just then, he heard Toombs' voice on the comlink.

"Alpha leader, this is Delta leader, do you copy?"

"I copy Delta leader, report."

"Lieutenant, the camp's deserted. No traces of whoever was out here. We're going to check the nearby –"

Static hissed on the channel… then it went silent.

"Delta leader, you're breaking up. Say again."

"Delta leader, come in."

His requests were met by silence. _Not good_.

"Harrison, please respond."

"_Midway_, what the hell's happening out there?" Panic began to creep into his voice. "Alpha squad, Bravo squad, rendezvous at the control center. We have a problem.

"

* * *

By the time Shepard and his remaining men reached the campsite, it was after dark. Standing on top of a small hill, he surveyed the area through his night vision visor. What he saw chilled him to the bone.

The camp was gone, several giant craters in its place. The _Midway_ had been broken in half, and what little remained of the bow section was smoldering. Bodies were littered around the area, but not nearly enough to account for Charlie and Delta squads, let alone the crew of the frigate. For a moment, Shepard was unable to process the horrific scene before him.

_My god. I sent them to their deaths. _Emotions overwhelmed him… anger, guilt, despair. He dropped to his knees. At that moment, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye, near what little was left of the _Midway_. One of the bodies was crawling towards him.

"_Toombs!" _

He sprinted downhill, his men following close behind. By the time he reached his friend, the corporal had managed to get up on one knee. His face was frozen in shock, as if he couldn't comprehend what he had seen. Shepard helped him up. "What happened?" he asked.

Toombs opened his mouth to answer, but there was no sound.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Before Shepard could react, he was thrown the air, landing awkwardly on his shoulder about five meters away. Ignoring the intense pain, he got to his feet in time to see a huge, worm-like creature disappearing back underground. Still dazed, he tried to get his bearings. Toombs had been hurled in the opposite direction and was face down on the ground. Most of Alpha squad was nearby, although Chung and Norris were nowhere to be seen. Bravo squad had disappeared.

_What the HELL was that?_

The adrenaline was flowing now, and Shepard momentarily forgot his terror_._ He quickly surveyed the area, looking for any possible escape. To the west was a sheer rock face about ten meters high, stretching out for at least a hundred meters in either direction. _I don't think the creature can punch through that, but no way can we climb it in full gear_, he thought. Then, he spotted a place where the incline was more gradual. _Bingo_.

"Everyone! West, NOW!" he shouted. As Alpha squad made a break for it, Shepard went back for Toombs, who was barely conscious. Shepard pulled him to his feet. "Come on Corporal, we're getting out of here."

"Shepard, my leg… I think it's broken… go on, I'll just slow you down."

"God_ dammit_ Alan, I'm not leaving you here!"

As he spoke, the tremors returned. He looked up in time to see the creature dragging down the remnants of Alpha squad. Screams filled the air.

"_Corporal, move your ass!"_

Shepard and Toombs hurried as quickly as they could towards safety. By the time they were only a few meters away, Shepard was literally dragging his friend along. He felt the pain in his shoulder intensify, but blocked it out. _Almost there_.

All of a sudden, Shepard found himself cartwheeling through the air. The creature had surfaced directly behind him, hurling him up onto the top of the rocky hill. He landed with a sickening crunch, breaking his arm and several ribs. Blood started to seep out through tears in his bodysuit. Wincing in pain from his now dislocated shoulder, he gritted his teeth and managed to activate the medigel switch on his belt. At least it would stop the bleeding.

Shepard turned his head to look for Toombs. He was nowhere to be seen. With the last of his strength, he reached for the emergency transponder on his left gauntlet and activated it.

_Hopefully the London will pick this up_.

Then everything faded to black.

* * *

Miranda blinked back tears as Shepard finished his story. She'd seen a lot during her time with Cerberus… horrible things… but this was personal. She couldn't detach herself, as she had always been able to do. "I'm so sorry," was all she could say.

"Miranda, look at me."

She could barely bring herself to meet his gaze. When she did, she saw no anger… only concern.

"Were you in charge of the mission?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Then you're not responsible. I don't blame you for what happened. It wasn't your fault." _It was mine_, he thought to himself.

Miranda leaned against him again. Weariness began to overtake them. Soon, they were both asleep.

For the first time since that day eight years ago, Shepard's rest was completely peaceful.


	10. Chapter 10

The sound of the observation deck door sliding open woke Shepard. He blinked and groggily looked around. Suddenly, he sat straight up, almost dropping Miranda on the floor.

_She didn't lock the door._

"Shepard, you ok?" Garrus asked as he entered. "I was worried when you didn't–" He stopped when he saw the Commander sitting on the couch with Miranda still half asleep on his lap.

"Oh! Am I… interrupting something?" he asked with a grin. At least Shepard _thought_ it was a grin. He'd always found Turian facial expressions hard to read.

When Miranda heard Garrus' voice, she leapt to her feet and turned to face him. _Bloody hell, why didn't I lock the damn door?_ she thought.

"Mr. Vakarian, if you so much as breathe one word of this –"

"Of what?" Garrus interrupted. "I didn't see anything, Ms. Lawson," he said with a smirk. He turned to leave. "You know where to find me, Commander."

Miranda was now completely flustered. Shepard could barely control his laughter. She tried her best to give him a disapproving look.

"Well, I should… um… prepare for duty. I'll… um… meet you at the CIC, Commander."

Shepard stood and moved in to steal a kiss. Joker's voice over the intercom interrupted him.

"Commander, can I see you up here when you have a minute?"

"I'll be there in a few."

"Oh, and tell Miranda I said hi."

The look on her face was unlike any he'd ever seen. "I hope that crack was worth it, Joker," Shepard said, trying to keep a straight face. "Any last words?"

"Dunno what you're talking about, Commander."

_Gonna need to find a new pilot,_ he thought. He kissed Miranda. "See you on deck, Ms. Lawson."

As he left, she couldn't help but smile. She wasn't alone anymore.

And she knew she never would be again.


End file.
